Rethinking Social Connection in Neurodivergent Kids

Theory of Mind and Neurodivergence: Rethinking How We Understand Social Connection

What Is Theory of Mind?

Imagine being able to step into someone else’s shoes—guessing what they might be thinking, feeling, or believing, even when it’s different from what you know. This ability is called Theory of Mind (ToM), and it’s something most of us use every day without even realising it. From predicting a friend’s reaction to a joke, to recognising when someone is pretending to enjoy a conversation, Theory of Mind helps us understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.

But what happens when this skill works differently? For decades, researchers have explored how people with neurodivergent brains—especially autistic people—experience social understanding. Early research painted autism as a condition defined by mindblindness, the inability to read others’ minds. However, newer thinking challenges this view, suggesting that social misunderstandings go both ways and that ToM difficulties are more complex, not unique to autism, and not necessarily a “deficit.”

Where the Theory Began

The idea that autistic people struggle with ToM became popular after a landmark study in 1985, where researchers used a simple story involving two dolls, Sally and Anne. Sally hides a marble in a basket and leaves the room. While she’s gone, Anne moves the marble to a box. Children are then asked: “Where will Sally look for the marble when she comes back?”

Most young children say Sally will look in the basket, understanding that she doesn’t know it’s been moved. However, many autistic children in the study answered incorrectly, suggesting they struggled to understand Sally’s perspective. This led to the idea that ToM difficulties might explain many of the social challenges autistic people experience—like misunderstanding jokes, sarcasm, or unspoken social rules.

The Rise—and Fall—of the “Mindblindness” Theory

For a while, this theory seemed to explain everything about autism. Books like Mindblindness by Simon Baron-Cohen helped popularise the idea that autism was a “disorder of empathy.” But problems soon emerged:

1. Not all autistic people fail ToM tasks.
   Many autistic adults and children pass these tests, especially those with strong language skills.
2. Test results don’t always match real life.
   Someone might pass a ToM task in a lab but still struggle in real-world conversations.
3. People aren’t mind-readers by default.
   Even non-autistic people often misunderstand each other. Social communication is hard for everyone at times.
4. Autistic people often report too much empathy.
   Many describe feeling overwhelmed by other people’s emotions, suggesting that they aren’t uncaring or unfeeling but experience empathy differently.

Introducing the Double Empathy Problem

Enter the Double Empathy Problem, a term coined by autistic researcher Damian Milton in 2012. Instead of focusing only on autistic people’s challenges, this idea recognises that misunderstanding happens both ways. Non-autistic people also struggle to understand autistic communication styles, leading to breakdowns in social connection.

For example, an autistic person might share a special interest in great detail, expecting others to share their excitement. Meanwhile, the listener—who doesn’t understand the importance of that interest—might seem bored or confused. Both parties leave the interaction feeling misunderstood.

This mutual disconnect shifts the conversation from “what’s wrong with autistic people” to “how can we better understand each other?”

Theory of Mind in Other Neurodivergent Conditions

While most ToM research has focused on autism, recent studies show that ToM challenges aren’t unique to autistic people. For example:

1. Tourette Syndrome (TS):
   Some people with TS struggle with tasks that require understanding sarcasm or other people’s intentions. This might be linked to impulsivity or emotional regulation challenges, rather than a lack of empathy.
2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
   Most research suggests that people with childhood-onset OCD perform similarly to non-autistic peers on ToM tasks, although there may be subtle difficulties with more advanced social reasoning in some individuals.

These findings highlight that social understanding is complex and influenced by many factors, including anxiety, language ability, and co-occurring conditions like ADHD.

Beyond the Tests: Real-Life Social Connection

Laboratory tasks like the Sally-Anne test provide useful starting points, but they don’t capture the real-world messiness of human interaction. Social skills aren’t just about passing a test—they involve navigating fast-changing, emotionally charged situations, often without clear rules.

For autistic people, sensory sensitivities, anxiety, and different communication preferences add layers of complexity that ToM tests can’t fully capture. For non-autistic people, unfamiliarity with neurodivergent communication styles can lead to assumptions and misinterpretations.

Moving Forward: Building Two-Way Understanding

So, how can we support better social connection for everyone?

1. Recognise that social challenges go both ways.
   Communication is a shared responsibility, not a “deficit” in one person.
2. Celebrate different ways of seeing the world.
   Neurodivergent people bring unique perspectives, problem-solving skills, and emotional depth to relationships.
3. Focus on real-world support, not just lab-based training.
   While teaching ToM skills can be helpful, long-term success depends on creating inclusive environments where everyone learns to understand and respect different communication styles.
4. Encourage curiosity and openness.
   Ask questions. Share experiences. Listen without judgment. The more we engage with different perspectives, the better we all become at connecting across differences.

Let’s recap…

Theory of Mind is a useful concept, but it’s not the whole story. Social understanding is a two-way street. Moving beyond deficit-based models like “mindblindness” and embracing the Double Empathy Problem allows us to build bridges rather than walls. By recognising that everyone has something to learn about understanding others, we take an important step toward creating more inclusive, compassionate communities—where difference is not a barrier, but a strength.

References

Baron-Cohen, S. (1995). Mindblindness: An essay on autism and theory of mind. MIT Press.

Baron-Cohen, S., Leslie, A. M., & Frith, U. (1985). Does the autistic child have a “theory of mind”? Cognition, 21(1), 37–46. https://doi.org/10.1016/0010-0277(85)90022-8

Baron-Cohen, S., Wheelwright, S., Hill, J., Raste, Y., & Plumb, I. (2001). The “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test revised version: A study with normal adults, and adults with Asperger syndrome or high-functioning autism. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 42(2), 241–251. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-7610.00715

Baron-Cohen, S., & Wheelwright, S. (2004). The empathy quotient: An investigation of adults with Asperger syndrome or high functioning autism, and normal sex differences. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 34(2), 163–175. https://doi.org/10.1023/B:JADD.0000022607.19833.00

Frith, U. (2001). Autism: Explaining the enigma (2nd ed.). Blackwell Publishing.

Happé, F. (1994). An advanced test of theory of mind: Understanding of story characters’ thoughts and feelings by able autistic, mentally handicapped, and normal children and adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 24(2), 129–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02172093

Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008

Sasson, N. J., & Morrison, K. E. (2019). First impressions of autistic adults are significantly more negative than those of non-autistic adults. Autism, 23(2), 450–458. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361317753582

Sheppard, E., Pillai, D., Wong, G. T. L., Ropar, D., & Mitchell, P. (2016). How easy is it to read the minds of people with autism spectrum disorder? Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46(4), 1247–1254. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-015-2655-2

Smith, A. (2009). The empathy imbalance hypothesis of autism: A theoretical approach to cognitive and emotional empathy in autistic development. The Psychological Record, 59(3), 489–510.