Fear and Loathing – Why It’s So Difficult to Face Our Children’s Shortcomings

By Dr Raphaela Itzikowitz – Specialist Paediatrician – docraphaela.com

No parent sets out hoping to confront their child’s struggles. We dream of easy milestones, seamless friendships, and shining report cards. But real children, like real life, rarely follow the script. Some stumble in unexpected ways – socially, academically, emotionally. When this happens, parents often feel not only sadness but resistance. Why is it so hard to face our children’s shortcomings?

The Invisible Script

From the moment of birth, we write invisible stories about who our children will be. We imagine their talents, their future careers, their friendships. When reality diverges – when a child has difficulty learning to read, managing emotions, or adapting socially – it collides painfully with those imagined futures. This dissonance feels like grief. We grieve the imagined child, even as we love the real one. Admitting this grief can feel disloyal, but it is natural.

Parents fear what struggles mean for the future: Will my child ever be independent? Will they be bullied? Will they be happy? Fear often masquerades as denial. By minimising or ignoring difficulties, parents hope to protect themselves from the terror of what could come next.

Beyond fear lies loathing – not of the child, but of ourselves. Parents oathe their impatience, envy, or exhaustion. They loathe that they sometimes wish life were easier. They loathe that despite their best intentions, they cannot always “fix” the problem.

This self-directed anger is corrosive. It isolates parents and deepens shame. But naming it can transform it. Shame thrives in silence; compassion grows in the open.

Cultural stigma intensifies the struggle. In many communities, admitting a child’s difference feels like failure. Parents may fear judgment from relatives, teachers, or peers. The myth of the “perfect child” is powerful, and deviating from it can feel humiliating.

Moving From Loathing to Loving

So how do we shift? The first step is self-compassion. Recognising that feelings of grief, fear, and frustration are part of parenting a child with differences. They do not mean you love your child less; they mean you are human. They mean you love your child enough to face your own fears, to help them manage theirs. Next is reframing shortcomings. A child who struggles in one area often shines in another. Valuing their strengths alongside their challenges restores balance. Finally, connection is key. When parents seek support – from professionals, parent groups, or trusted friends – the isolation lessens. Shared stories dismantle shame and replace it with solidarity.

Facing a child’s challenges can feel like a cruel test, but it is also an invitation. It invites parents to deepen empathy, to expand patience, and to redefine success. It pushes us to see our children as they are, not as we imagined them. It forces us to see ourselves as we are, not as we imagined ourselves to be. When we lean into this discomfort, we often discover unexpected joy: the pride in a hard-won milestone, the tenderness of shared resilience, the beauty of a child who teaches us to slow down and see the world differently.

Fear and loathing are real and raw. They haunt the edges of parenting, especially when our children’s paths are not smooth. But by naming them, we reduce their grip. By embracing compassion – for ourselves and for our children – we transform what once felt like a burden into a bond.

Our children do not need perfect parents. They need parents brave enough to face the truth, to hold both joy and grief, and to love them not despite their struggles but through them. They need parents who model tolerance, acceptance and imperfection- because that is the essence of reality.