When Do We Get to Call Ourselves or Our Children Neurodivergent?

By Dr Raphaela Itzikowitz – Specialist Paediatrician – docraphaela.com

The language we use to describe our children matters. Over the past decade, the term neurodivergent has moved from academic literature into everyday conversations among parents, teachers, and even children themselves. It is spoken in schools, online support groups, and family kitchens. Yet many parents still ask me: “When do we get to use that word? Do we need an official diagnosis? Will we get it wrong if we use it too soon?” This question touches on more than semantics. It reflects a deep desire to understand our children and to place them within a framework that explains their differences without judgment.

What Does “Neurodivergent” Mean?

Coined in the late 1990s by sociologist Judy Singer, the term neurodivergent refers to people whose neurological development and functioning diverge from the majority, or the “neurotypical” population. It encompasses autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette’s syndrome, and other conditions. This list is ever growing as more individuals recognise their difference and champion acceptance, tolerance, and belonging. At its heart, the term is a recognition that diversity of minds is as natural as diversity of bodies. Just as there is no single correct eye colour or body shape, there is no single “correct” way for a brain to think, feel, or process the world.

Identity Versus Diagnosis

For some, neurodivergence is an identity. Adults who struggled for years before receiving a diagnosis may finally breathe a sigh of relief when they can say, “I am neurodivergent.” It offers a community, language, and sense of acceptance. For children, however, the picture is more complex. A parent might notice behaviours that don’t fit the mould: sensory sensitivities, hyperfocus, impulsivity, or difficulties with social cues. Without a diagnosis, the label neurodivergent can feel tentative. Yet it can also be affirming – an acknowledgment that the child’s experiences are real and not a result of “bad behaviour” or “poor parenting.”

Does this mean every family should use the label without professional input?

Not necessarily. A clinical assessment can provide clarity. It allows us to distinguish between developmental variation and neurodevelopmental conditions that benefit from specific interventions. For example, a child who struggles with attention may have ADHD, but they might also have sleep problems, anxiety, or learning gaps. An assessment disentangles these threads. Diagnosis can also open doors: access to therapy, accommodations at school, and recognition in medical or legal frameworks. Without it, children may be misunderstood, unsupported, or unfairly disciplined.

When Is It “Okay” to Use the Term?

Parents often seek permission to use the word neurodivergent – as if the label itself could cause harm. In reality, harm comes from judgment, stigma, and misunderstanding, not from naming what is true. If calling your child neurodivergent helps you approach them with more compassion, or helps them feel less alone, then the term is serving its purpose. Still, it is helpful to be transparent. Saying, “We suspect our child may be neurodivergent, and we are exploring this,” can validate their experience without locking them into a medical identity prematurely. We must be cautious not to turn neurodivergent into a word that only “counts” with a formal stamp of approval. Many families face long waiting lists, high costs, or systemic barriers to assessment. Others live in communities where stigma prevents them from seeking help. Allowing space for families to use the term informally can empower them, even while professional input is pending. Ultimately, the real question is not whether a child “qualifies” for the word, but whether we as parents, clinicians, and educators are
willing to meet them where they are. Labels are tools. They guide us to resources, communities, and shared understanding. But they should never overshadow the child themselves. Your child is not defined by neurodivergence, diagnosis, or labels. They are defined by their laughter, curiosity, struggles, and triumphs. Using the word neurodivergent is not about creating limits—it’s about acknowledging reality and choosing compassion over confusion.

So, when do we get to call ourselves or our children neurodivergent?

When the term helps us shift from blame to acceptance. When it guides us towards empathy instead of judgment. When it opens a door to understanding rather than closing it with stigma. The word belongs not only to professionals but to families and individuals who find meaning in it. The challenge is not to decide if we should use the word, but how we use it – with respect, humility, and the constant reminder that every child’s mind is a unique constellation in the vast “Neuroverse.”